Drives me mad

The school summer holidays start soon and I, for one, can't wait.

The above sentence marks me out as someone whose sons are well beyond school years, and it's true: I've been there, done that, worn the stained t-shirt and easy-fit jeans. But I haven't forgotten what it's like, far from it. My brother and sister-in-law have 5 little ones under 12 for whom I regularly babysit, and they are a delight, but I wouldn't like to have to keep them entertained for six weeks.

However, and here's my point, that opening sentence also identifies me as someone who drives to work on a daily basis and, oh, the joys of the road when the school holidays are on. A 40 minute journey instantly reduces to 20. Did I hear someone mutter "carbon footprint", or mumble that I should use public transport?

First, I am a card-carrying non-believer in global warming. There are people far brainier than I who could give you counter-arguments, but I'm from a generation whose elders used to blame any freakish weather on "those Russians sending rockets up", so you'll have to forgive my scepticism. I don't believe we, as a species, have been around long enough to know what's normal to Mother Earth.

Second, using public transport: have you tried it recently? If it's not - on the way in to work - schoolchildren using language that would have made my dad (an ex-docker) blush, as they sit at the back with their loud and apparently amusing mobile ringtones, it's - on the way home - happy drunks who always choose to sit beside you and start a conversation or, even worse, start singing to you, whilst, at the back of the bus, youths bond by passing around a spliff (it seems it's acceptable to light a spliff, but try lighting a cigarette and you'll be lynched).

My real question is, however, where do all the cars go during the summer holidays? They can't all be on holiday can they? Are there really that many people who would normally drop their little darlings right outside the school gates and then pour into town? If it's students on holiday from the universities, how can they afford to run a car when I thought it was a rite of passage for them to drink every penny of their grants?

Perhaps, feeling guilty for their term-time thoughtlessness, the drivers revert to public transport? I'd like to think so, but the important thing is, they are off the road. Roll on six weeks of driving heaven.

Now if we could just get non-workers out of the shops during the lunch hour...

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