Birthday bother
One of my colleagues, whom I shall refrain from naming, is
reaching a significant birthday milestone, which got me thinking
about birthday etiquette in the office.
Fortunately, office-politics are non-existent in Paver Towers and
the person turning 40 is doing so with great acceptance and general
humour. In many ways, it's fair to say that Dougal (slip of the
keyboard......sorry boss!) is happy to reach his milestone, which,
undoubtedly, is good news for the rest of us as there's no need
to tread on eggshells.
However, the whole birthday situation creates a number of
conundrums that can end in embarrassment, tears and in today's
litigious society, dismissal and even imprisonment. So, here are a
couple of hints and tips to help you negotiate this minefield.
Please note; I can not guarantee their effectiveness or be held
legally responsible for their outcomes. People trying these hints
and tips do so at their own risk.
The organiser - most offices will have
a 'mum' (often an office manager or receptionist)
who'll take responsibility for the collection, present and
card. Be grateful for this and do not, under any circumstances,
volunteer to get involved. This will only leave you open to
widespread criticism (you'll never match up to the
'mum' who's organised every birthday since the start of
capitalism) and at war with the unofficial 'mum' - meaning
your birthday is likely to be sabotaged.
Signing the card - refrain from the use of
innuendos and over-familiarity. Similarly, try to steer clear of
lame age-related jokes. This will not make people think you're
a witty Wordsworth and is more likely to cause offence.
The collection - no matter how much you like or
dislike the birthday person, keep your contribution even. Giving
too much is likely to lead to gossip, while giving too little will
leave you branded a miser, risking possible exclusion from office
socials and the tea-round. And remember, the whip-round is not
voluntary.
Cakes - if your office has a 'bring your own
cakes' policy for everyone to 'share in your birthday
celebrations' - don't fight it, abide by it. And, no,
you're not fighting the oppression by not bringing cakes or by
bringing a healthy alternative such as fruit. After all, who ever
heard of a birthday banana with candles in? It's just
ludicrous.
The present - the 'mum' should take care
of this, but if they don't, look busy and do not get involved
in 'what to buy discussions'. Present buying is risky
business and your suggestions could say more about your personality
than you intend.
The party - this is a tricky one. If you attend,
it's all too tempting to get drunk to block-out Alan from
accounts' stories about economic turmoil. However, this leaves
you at risk of dangerous drunken behaviour in front of your
colleagues. It's best to keep it short and sweet - turn-up
(remember not to take a present, you've already contributed to
the collection), sing happy birthday, have a slice of cake and tell
the birthday person how it's the best party you've ever
been to. You're then free to leave and enjoy the rest of your
night!
Age-related jokes - don't bother.
Age-related compliments - don't bother.
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